this is me

The Primal Debt- II

2012-02-13T15:37:00.001+05:30

As I was saying in the previous post, my mind and my heart has certainly benefited from reading this. I no longer feel obliged to hate people who have wronged me. I mean what can someone take from me that I didn't owe them in the first place? Along with this is also gone any resentment that I used to harbour for the things that others have and which had been denied to me. A deep sense of peace settled in me once I realized that no one can give me more than I deserve and no one can take away what is rightfully mine.

All the suffering that I've had to go through is a result of my own actions- whether in this life or the previous ones. I don't blame anyone. I'm happy that the suffering happened and those whom I had wronged in the past have had a chance to settle their debts with me, so that I'm now free of the karmic debt.

I always wondered why are some people able to make me do certain things for them? Why did I not say no- for doing something nearly impossible? Or that why some complete strangers have gone beyond the call of duty to help me out. But I understand now. Its because we were all connected somehow.

I quote from Aghora: "Suppose I know I have a rnanubandhana with you.If I am wise, I will ensure that the debt is paid off; it will mean one less bondage to the world and will bring me closer to my goal of self- realization. People enjoy being repaid but usually balk when it comes to paying out. the result is karma.

In my case, I am very anxious to finish off my cycle of births and deaths so I allow every person who has any rnanubandhana with me to take from me whatever they are entitled to. Whether they are entitled to make my life miserable, or to make me poor, or whatever, I don't mind. Let them do it; they cannot take from me any more than the value of the debt I owe them. The moment I object in any way, even mentally, then karma has begun."

The Primal Debt

2012-01-27T13:18:00.001+05:30

Two books that I'm reading at moment have completely churned my mind out of its inertia. The first is "Aghora At the Left Hand of God" by Robert E. Svoboda and the second is "Shiva to Shankara" by Dr. Devdutt Pattanaik.

The philosophy of the world discussed in the books, especially the latter is so profound and so plausible that my brain is still reeling from it.

In the first book, I'm reading a chapter called "Rnanubandhana" or the obligation/bondage (anubandhana) of debt (rna). The debt talked about at length here is the debt of karma that we carry over from all our previous births as well as that debt that we accumulate by our actions in this life.

I quote from the book "For example, if I steal something from you in this lifetime the opportunity for me to steal from you can arise only if a debt exists between you and me; only if you owe me something....And if I steal from you, instead of receiving from as a gift the thing I want, of your own free will, it is highly likely that you must have stolen from me in the past. Your past action creates a like attitude in me.

My theft from you is not karma: it becomes karma only when I identify myself with the act of stealing. As long as I do not self identify with the act of stealing. it is no karma for me...It is only a past rna working its way out.

The difficulty is that the ego not only self-identifies with the body, it also self-identifies with all the actions performed by the body.The ego tries to protect itself by preventig the repaying of karmic debts which have fallen due. Thus, new karmas are created."

This is such a beautiful and hopeful philosophy. i find that it has freed me from so many expectations from myself as well as from other people. More on this is my next post....

Reaching Equilibrium

2012-01-25T21:00:00.001+05:30

Just heard some where there each and everyone of us has to go through the suffering that has been destined for us. If this doesn't happen, we don't get the ultimate salvation- Mukti or Moksh. If we look at it from a more basic view, going through the suffering eases a bit of the load- some of the burden that we carry; both in this life and what we have carried over from all our previous lives. Till we reach a zero balance. Reach the point of perfect balance or harmony- the Equilibrium that all creation strives to.

Every one of us has our own brand of things that are our own personal hell- for someone it could be the fear of humiliation at the hands of others, or being ignored or disrespected, or even finding yourself all alone... It could be physical or mental, and I'm sure that it must vary in degrees for everyone. I might think that I'm going through the very worst a human can endure, but that's because I'm going through a personal suffering- that can't be shared and divided and consequently perhaps lessened. The point is we need to accept the bitterness in our life so that we see it for what it is- our own doing (whether from the actions of this life or the previous) and only then can we get past it. I don't know about any one else who might read this- but this theory made me feel a bit better about my life and my future. I'm learning to focus on the bright and beautiful new day ahead, and not the dark, lonely night that lies behind me.

An year's journey

2012-01-23T12:15:00.000+05:30

Its been about a year now that I haven't unburdened here. That was a sad, pathetic decision... I might have a fewer white hair on my head if I had!! Actually I can't really blame myself, it didn't happen consciously. My life stopped revolving around myself and my thoughts, and a lot more on the peripherals. I seem to have become the very thing I have always abhorred- a creature who lives for the superficial; no great thought or emotion are evoked from it... Always there is an all pervading sense of age, neglect and raggedness about it. My mind seems to have lost itself in some murky water, and doubts its ability to ever find a clean shore- or even that it will one day surface and come to a new day.

The lack of anything new is just so tiring... The sheer LACK... I feel really tired all the time. It tires me to write any of this out. My mind has forgotten these intellectual exercises. I don't know if I actually "feel" exhausted or if my mind has shut itself off to shield my consciousness from the hollowness of my existence. So this is how it feels to live on autopilot.

For some reason, when I'm writing, thoughts never appear cogent and clear. I have to make an effort to understand what I want to tell myself. And most of the time I forget what I'm saying or reach a conclusion completely at a tangent from where I had started out.

2011-05-20T15:58:00.001+05:30

i find myself with a blank page and nothing to write. i think i have nothing to say to anyone.

Feelin' Groovy

2009-05-31T21:24:00.004+05:30

One of my favourite-st songs of all time. I thank my father for introducing me to Simon and Garfunkel. The lyrics are so simple, they're almost stupid. But that's the "happy' they describe. A stupid, reasonless, cheesy joy, that makes you grin!!

A joy in your heart, a lightness of being thats free of all burdens and responsibility. I've felt like this sometimes- when i had no expectatitons to meet, no urgent work requiring my attention and no tensions distracting me from the awareness of "just existing"!!.

Everytime I've had this feeling, I've always stopped what ever I was doing and savoured it, because I know it's very momentary, and enjoyed every second of it. I generally close my eyes and just feel the feeling, and I feel an instantaneous smile on my face. I never try to restrain that smile, even though i get a lot of funny glances. It's a genuine smile, and I let the feeling enter every pore of my being, so that I feel loved and blessed and happy to my core. I want to smile and make everyone feel like I'm feeling.

You always have to work your ass off, or get really entrenched in something, and then emerge out of it before you get this feeling. Maybe I'm trying to describe satisfaction. But thats a more advanced kind of feeling. What I feel is very basic. And simple. And even a little stupid. Oneday you get up and you want to whistle and smile at everyone and wish them good morning. And really mean it.

Anyway, the song goes...

Slow down, you move too fast.
You got to make the morning last.
Just kicking down the cobble stones.
Looking for fun and feelin' groovy.

Hello lamppost,
What cha knowing?
I've come to watch your flowers growing.
Ain't cha got no rhymes for me?
Doot-in' doo-doo,
Feelin' groovy.

Got no deeds to do,
No promises to keep.
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep.
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me.
Life, I love you,
All is groovy.

Shall I compare Slumdog Millionaire's Ring- ring- ringa to John Donne's The Flea?

2009-04-05T15:29:00.004+05:30

Poetry being one of my passions, there is a wide variety of poems that I really enjoy. However, there are some poems, as well as some schools of poetry that have a very special place in my heart, and among those, are the Metaphysical poets and John Donne. One of his poems that is fun to read every single time is The Flea. Now, the interesting part is, these guys, Donne, Marvell and Herbert were supposed to write "metaphysical poetry" in attempts to bring the reader closer to God, there sure wrote a heck of poems that can't be described as Godly or religious from any point.

Case in point: the flea and Marvell's To his Coy Mistress... Both are highly entertaining and irreverent. The flea is specially an example of the Medieval notion of Carpe diem or "cease the day". Anyway, this post is about how Donne's flea finds a parallel in Slumdog Millionaire's song "ring ringa ringa". For the benefit of anyone who doesn't understand hindi, I'll try to translate it.

Hindi Lyrics: Chick Chikchi Chikchi, Chikchi Chikchi, Chikchi Chikchi, Chikchi Chikchi Chikchi Chikchi, Chikchi Chikchi, Chikchi Chikchi, Chikchi Chikchi (Ring Ring Ringa, Ring Ring Ringa, Ring Ring Ringa Ringa Ringa) - 2 Hayeeee!, Aye Ree!!!, Aahahh!!!! Chua Chua, Chua Chua Chua, Aye Ree! Chua Chua Ara Ra Ra Chua Chua Chikchi Chikchi Chua Chua, Chua Chua Chua Ayi Ayi Ayi Ya Mai Mai Ya, Ayi Ayi Ayi Ayi Yi Yi Yi

[ Ringa Ringa Song Lyrics @ http://www.hindilyrix.com ] (Ring Ring Ringa, Ring Ring Ringa, Ring Ring Ringa Ringa Ringa) -

2 Khatiye Pe Mein Padi Thi, Aur Gehri Neend Badi Thi Aage Kya Main Kahu Sakhi Re.. Ek Khatmal Tha Saiyana, Mujhpe Tha Uska Nishana Chunrai Mein Gus Gaya Dheere Dheere, Oooooo Ohhh Kuch Nahi Samjha O Buddhu, Kuch Nahi Socha Reng Ke Jaane Kaha Pahucha.. (Ring Ring Ringa, Ring Ring Ringa, Ring Ring Ringa Ringa Ringa)

- 2 I was lying on the bed in a deep slumber
What more can I say, my friend...
There was a smart little bed-bug, and I was it's target
It got inside my veil, slowly slowly, oooo ohhh
It didn't understand anything, it didn't think
God's knows where it crawled and reached...

Chikchi Chikchi, Chikchi Chikchi, Chikchi Chikchi, Chikchi Chikchi Haaye Woh Sharmaye, Haaye Woh Lajaye, Haaye Haaye Kya Chupaye Kitna Mein Taddpi Thi, Kitna Mein Royi Thi
Mein To Thi Acchi Bhali, Kyon Bhala Soi Thi
Nigade Ne Mujhko Chain Lene Na Diya Rona Bhi Chaha To Mujhko Rone Na Diya,
O Ho, Aise Us Harjai Ki Makkari
Mere Tan Badan Mein Thi Lagi Chingari, Per Aise Kya Thi Lachari O O Oohoo,
Are Haiya Haiya Hoo (Ring Ring Ringa, Ring Ring Ringa, Ring Ring Ringa Ringa Ringa) - 2
Haule Se Gudgudata, Dil Mein Hulchul Machata

Mein Sharm Se Thi Pani Pani.., Hahaha, Jo Usko Dhundthi Mein
Chupke Se Woh Chup Jata, Hahaha, Aise Thi Woh Meri Kahani..

Ooo Yun Samjlo Khatmal Ka Shikar Hui Thi Mein, Uske Aage Haar Gai Thi Mein

(Ring Ring Ringa, Ring Ring Ringa, Ring Ring Ringa Ringa Ringa) - 2 Hayeeee!, Aye Ree!!!, Aahahh!!!! Chikchi Chikchi, Chikchi Chikchi, Chikchi Chikchi, Chikchi Chikchi

I turned to jelly with shame, how could I search for it?
It would go and hide..that's my story
Just understand that I was it's victim, I surrendered to it. [ Ringa Ringa Song Lyrics @ http://www.hindilyrix.com ]

Of course, the hindi lyrics are a lot more graphic and direct, but the purpose of the flea is maintained. It's supposed to be a euphemism or a symbol of the hero's quest to convince his mistress to surrender to him, while in the Hindi song, she doesn't need the convincing, she's already seduced. It's a lot more direct.

THE FLEA. by John Donne

MARK but this flea, and mark in this,
How little that which thou deniest me is ; It suck'd me first, and now sucks thee,
And in this flea our two bloods mingled be.
Thou know'st that this cannot be said A sin, nor shame, nor loss of maidenhead ;
Yet this enjoys before it woo, And pamper'd swells with one blood made of two ;
And this, alas ! is more than we would do. O stay, three lives in one flea spare,
Where we almost, yea, more than married are.

This flea is you and I, and this Our marriage bed, and marriage temple is. Though parents grudge, and you, we're met, And cloister'd in these living walls of jet. Though use make you apt to kill me, Let not to that self-murder added be, And sacrilege, three sins in killing three.

Cruel and sudden, hast thou since Purpled thy nail in blood of innocence?
Wherein could this flea guilty be, Except in that drop which it suck'd from thee?
Yet thou triumph'st, and say'st that thou Find'st not thyself nor me the weaker now.
'Tis true ; then learn how false fears be ;
Just so much honour, when thou yield'st to me, Will waste, as this flea's death took life from thee.

Donne's speaker tries very valiantly to woo his mistress with humourous logic, but Slumdog's bedbug is the hero who just lands up and is successful in it's attempt.

Bout of Melancholia

2009-02-01T22:42:00.008+05:30

I have for the past few days been hit by bouts of melancholy and just over all weirdness. On top of that, for some reason I feel my hormones have suddenly freaked out on me. I have not been able to control my emotions... Recently I saw a supposed romantic comedy ... P.S. I Love You and I wept! I was shocked at myself. I was bawling...crying my eyes over the movie, it was just the hormones working against me.

All middle class Indians go through a torture stage in their lives when their parents look for an eligible life partner for them. Continuing this delightful version of the Spanish Inquisition, my family too is hunting the four corners of India in search of a suitable match for me. High time i read A Suitable Boy.

Following are excerpts from my Bio data. I find them strange and unconvincing. All the facts are true, but it makes me wonder, do all these details make me eligible?

What is eligibility?

Would someone who read these, find me SUITABLE? If yes, then for what??

No one who reads this would ever know that I am a big Doors fan or that I can write creatively and equally well in both English as well as Hindi or that my friends gave me the nickname Sexysharma in college for my slightly risque sense of humour. Yet they would know that if they needed to spy on my family or me, they could contact any friend/relative/acquaintance in Jaipur and they'd have tolerably reliable information. Or if they wanted glowing references of my family name and background, they can contact any of the people listed at the end of this list...

Oh, btw, if you are viewing this post after 25.03.09, you'll find a severely edited version.

Name : edited

Date of birth : edited

Height : edited

Education : Educated at M.G.D. girls public school, Jaipur. Extremely
fond of reading and writing, she was elected for the post of secretary of the English Literary Society at Sophia College, Mumbai, from where she completed her graduation in March 2007. Having topped the College in English honours, she not only received numerous awards for her organization and creative writing abilities, she was also part of an Excellence in Arts program where she conducted field research which is now published and accepted by Mumbai University Library. Currently she is pursuing Fashion Designing at the Pearl Academy of Fashion, Jaipur

Personality : Graceful, very good looking, lively but family oriented girl
with keen sense of caring. She has been brought up in a joint family and is very attached to the family. She has always been very popular and well known in her school and college for her organizational capacity and helpful nature.

Family : We are a joint family of three brothers, staying together in Jaipur for the last fifty years. Our family business consists of Ayurvedic medicines, Newspaper, real estate, commercial complexes etc.

We are Gaur brahmins with a strong commitment for social work too. Our family runs several charitable institutions, including the oldest Higher Secondary school with a hostel in the Torawati region of Rajasthan. Besides this, our family has established a separate school for girls, a dharmshala, and a large temple in our ancestral village, where a lakhi mela is held every year.

Close
References:

:Sh. Bhairon Singh Shekhawat :Ex Vice President of India.

• Pt. Nawal Kishore Sharma : has been General Secretary of AICC and Minister of Petroleum in Rajiv Gandhi’s cabinet. Presently Governor of Gujarat.

• Sh. Rameshwar Thakur : C.A. and former Minister in Narsimha Rao’s cabinet. Presently Governor of Orrisa.

• Sh. Ashok Gehlot : Chief Minister of Rajasthan and former Tourism Minister in the central cabinet.

• Smt. Vasundhara Raje : Ex-Chief Minister of Rajasthan

• Sh. Bhuvnesh Chaturvedi : Former minister in PMO in Narsimha Rao’s cabinet.

• Sh. Gokul Prasad Sharma : of Bombay Hospital, Mumbai.

• Sh. Ramniwas Mirdha : Ex Telecommunication Minister, Govt. of India.

Vikram Seth's 'Soon'

2008-10-14T10:10:00.004+05:30

We studied Indian writers who write in English when I was in college. Amongst them was Vikram Seth.
Mr Seth is a very well educated, intellectual writer who has an unusuaaly sympathetic and sensitive tone. He is gay, and although being gay is no parameter or any relevant criterion in judgement of someones writing, as a student of literature, I've always felt that this factor of his life must have coloured his writing. Contrarily, it is entirely possible that he has assumed the mask of a gay man in writing a particularly poignant piece, yet some pieces must have been inspired by personal experience.
One of these is a heart wrenching poem called Soon. We had studied this poem, about a man dying of AIDS in class, with Ms. Shireen Vakil. We had a brilliant time discussing and analysing every facet of this poem in class, but for anyone who wants to read the poem, and doesnt have the benefit of a class full of young bright minds, and the Goddess of all literature teachers, Ms Vakil to guide them, the poem has been republished in a new book called AIDSsutra, a compilation of writings by Indian writers writing in English. The proceedings of the sales will benefit AIDS patients. Its a must read. HAven't been able to find it online. Will hunt for it at home.

CIAO!!

2008-10-03T15:44:00.003+05:30

I read my blog today and realised I've only got two posts this entire year. What the hell does this say about me? I've realized that no matter how much I try not to lose out on what I thought my essence was, the loss seems inevitable. I havent read the kind of books I used to read. I tried reading the poetry, but it's not been easy. I've tried keeping in touch with friends, but it's been hard again. And expensive. And it takes effort and determination. And it's not been as often as I had intended to. Am I losing my essence? Everything I held dear and wanted to hold on to?

It makes me think, what exactly is the essence of a person. Surely, when you envision your future, you don't take into account all the trials of life you will face, which will change you and perhaps give you a whole new perception of what essence is. maybe the way circumstances have changed me has revealed newer, hitherto hidden aspects of myself to me. maybe they were always there, but needed the right moments to reveal themselves. So, was the original me the actual essence of me, or is the newer me the real me? or are they both me? I think it's the latter. but i don't want the old me to pass into insignificance. the new must give space to the old. it's as relevant. perhaps more relevant, because it gives a point of reference to the present.

Words and Moods

2008-08-02T18:03:00.002+05:30

I like to take things slow and steady. i hate rush jobs, 5 minute thingies are no fun for any people involved. i would personally hate to give any body a five minute job, and in turn would hate to receive one as well. theres no pleasure that can be had in just 5 minutes.it should be calm, steady and consistent. well paced.

I love the way the usage of certain words creates certain moods...our associations, often pre conceived or cliched associations. if aditi,mahima, surru,chamki or ritu ever read this, they'd know exactly what i mean!

by the way, i was talking about reading aloud poetry.

tirade

2008-04-07T23:01:00.004+05:30

My life has become incresingly frustating. I don't enjoy what I'm doing. No matter how much I try to delude myself that I'm adjusting and I'm learning, the truth of the matter is I hate Pearl Academy of Fashion. I hate everything about it from the faculty to the students to the approach of the whole institute. This sememter in particular has been shit. And from what I hear from the seniors, the future will be worse. I guess I've been able to cope till now through sheer luck and partly because it wasn't as tough as it is getting to be now. I don't think I can handle so much at one go. And especially when I'm not really interested. I love design. I love it when it's an abstract notion of forms and shapes and when we can talk of design as a fundamental reality of life. But whe it comes down to such a basic and low form as design in fashion, it loses every single ounce of its appeal for me. I've always thought fashion was pretty superficial, but stuff like forecasting and trend spotting is interesting. Its pretty intense. But pattern making and especially garment construction just kill me. And at this stage, people's negativity and perhaps even my own negativity is really hampering any knid of progress I might otherwise be making.

I guess I'm actually frustated because I'm quite lost in life. Nothing ever works according to my plans. Therefore I've stopped planning. But that doesn't stop the mind and the heart from wanting. And hoping. So what does one do then? My strategy till now has been placid acceptance. For most of my life I've been a placid acceptor and this is mostly because nothing else works. Maybe I haven't tried another approach...perhaps I'm not built that way. Other people I know get their way...they have their own strategies. But I find them manipulative, conniving and demeaning. But they seem to work.

Am in a really escapist mood. Want to run away. But don't know from what.thats the root cause. my life isnt figured out. i dont know how to figure it out. and even if i do figure it out, i dont have the balls to stand up for myself.for what i want. i think ive convinced myself that nothing will work out. or that my life is worth much.

or maybe im just sleep deprived and cranky. but ive had this nasty uneasyness in my head for quite some time now. im very dissatisfied. things are going as unexpected. its partly because of college too. ive never been part of such an infamous or irresponsible lot. ive really tried to improve my outlook and attitude. but it hasnt changed the reality. im not meant for this and this is not meant for me.dont have anything to look forward to in life. no enthusiasm.

2008-02-09T16:44:00.000+05:30

The dashboard says, 42 posts, last published October 5, 2007. How life has changed since then. I've begun to find life so much more interesting recently. I still believe that I don't really have the soul of a clothes designer. I mean things like making the basic pattern for a garment or learning new stitching techniques leave me cold. So cold, I can freeze to death. Imagine a three hour long class, where each passing moment kills a cell in your brain. Yawn!!

But thank god things are looking up.I never thought I was an artistic type, but sometimes I feel I have some knid of knack for appreciating beauty.

By the end of college, I couldn't wait for life to begin at a new stage all over again.

New End of Year Resolutions

2007-10-05T14:21:00.000+05:30

It's been a long time. I think the longest ever break I took from blogging. But some nasty person who tried spamming me put me into action again. Plus I'm in touch with Scott again. I have very fond memories of Scott because his blog was one of the first I had visited when I'd just created my own. So, he too has set the creative process flowing.

Life moves forward everyday and at every instant. Most of the time this fact surprises me. Generally when I become aware of this fact, I try to better life and circumstances by doing things I don't actually have time for. Like calling a friend. Or reading a book. Or blogging. Funny how life encroaches upon time. I am very resolute that I don't want to be one of those people who lost out on their friends because they were busy with life and "stuff". And I don't want to be the friend everyone lost touch with. And I don't want to be the person who always had a sour disposition and regrets in life because she never got to the stuff she really wanted to because she didn't have time. I'm resolute that I have to make time no matter what.

I also don't want to be the person who wastes her time in stupid disappointments. But life has moved on now. And I don't want to be left behind. A relic from the past. But making the best of what you have, making a new beginning is not easy. It takes so much courage. So much that you don't know if you really have it in you. And you even make excuses. I said to myself, over and over again- This is not what I wanted for myself. This is not what I wanted to do with my life and for the rest of my life. And then the realization that you just need to accept it and move on takes guts. And then opening yourself to new ideas and especially to new people is what really kills you. You don't want to be vulnerable again. You want to go back to your old familiars. People you were safe with. But that's not gonna happen. Or maybe it will...in an ideal world.

These are all things I have talked to people in my life about at different times. Mahima, Aditi, Chamki, Surru, Scott. You have all given me lessons in life that I have begun to understand only know. I just want to thank you for caring enough to share pieces of you with me.

Self Analysis on a sleepness night

2007-07-04T09:40:00.000+05:30

Last night I couldn't sleep. Not because I was tense or excited about anything...I was formulating this post. I don't know if I was awake or half asleep or whether I just remember a dream very vividly. But I remenber thinking that it's a very common topic of discussion how people often know and understand as well as accept their negativity, while they remain ignorant and unaware about all that's positive and good about them. To further the point I made a sort of mental list of all the negative and positive things I think about myself in my sleep. I of course don't remember all of them right now, but I will continue adding to the list as time proceeds. Lets see how the list proceeds...

Deep thinking

2007-06-11T19:26:00.000+05:30

A friend of mine visited this blog recently and told me how he had no idea that I thought so deeply. He sounded really surprised. while I am always genuinely flattered when people acknowledge the fact that I think, I have an ambivanent take on their surprise at this discovery. Just yesterday, my brother asked me if I was so shallow that I would be happy in life if I had money.Now, if you knew my brother, you'd know that this was a trick question; one which has no correct answer. If you answer yes, you're condemned to shallowness anyway, but if you say no or any other such thing, you're just defensive...but anyway, the point is, is money not important? i honestly believe that once the money part of your life is well taken care of, the other parts become easier to bear as well as sweeter.what's shallow about that? i think it's practical. but all this is beside the point. What I'm getting at is that it's people who are closest to you who sometimes know the least about you. I am sure if I were to make a list of all my characteristics, which I think are true to me, and put them up somewhere, my family would not recognize or even believe most of them. is this true for you too?

2007-05-30T19:27:00.000+05:30

I don't want there to be a blank in the archives for the month of May. I've tried writing something a few times this past month, but I never got down to it. I feel dull and uninspired. I could blame it on the heat, but it isn't the heat. Just like Frost conteplating the destruction of his wall on elves..I could say elves to him...It's been quite surprisingly pleasant this year(it's been 42 degrees Celsius instead of the usual 47). iIguess it's the lack of stimulating company. It's not like I've stopped thinking about stuff or that things have stopped affecting me, I think I'm still reeling under the shock of being in that unsteady, unbalanced phase of life again. Everything is undecided and unsure. You know, like Auden said: the best lack all conviction..I think somewhere he also says we must love one another or die... although what that has to do with anything, I cannot say. Higher and higher in the widening gyre/the falcon cannot hear the fanconer/Things fall apart; the center cannot hold/ Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world...I don't know why all this poetry is suddenly spouting forth. Maybe it's because it's representative of a time when my life was surer,with more certainity. I knew my place in the world, in the scheme of things, unlike now.

Books

2007-04-23T18:40:00.000+05:30

I finished The Old Man and The Sea and was spell- bound. I knew it was a classic, but I hadn't expected it to be so good. I can't pinpoint what exactly was so captivating about it. But there were times when I deliberately put the book down because it was too painful to keep reading. After an endless struggle, when the man finally reels the fish in, it seemed too simple to be actually real. And when the sharks came, it was just too painful to bear. It was as if they were biting away pieces of me and not the fish. Every time they bit into the flesh, it was my own loss. I swear, the pain was too intense to bear. I had to stop reading it to stop the hurt, even when my mind wanted to race ahead to reach the end. I really really enjoyed it. I recommend it to anyone who cares a whit for books.
Next on agenda is One Hundred Years of Solitude, also by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I have a ton of books lined up to be read, now that I'm home. My aunt wants me to start working in the office as soon as possible. Seems we are short staffed and in need of translators. But I don't want to fall in the trap. It's a thankless job. Have been translating English to Hindi since donkey's years.

The Old Man and The Sea

2007-04-13T11:55:00.000+05:30

I have a Feminism and Women's Writing paper on Monday, the 16th, but can't seem to get down to studying. Instead, I've been reading. Reading books that have nothing to do with my exam coming up. Typical. Last night I finished Love and Other Demons by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Today I'm reading The Old Man And The Sea by Ernest Hemingway. Both the books have been pretty good. The first book by Marquez I read was Love in the time of Cholera, an absolutely delightful, charming book, full of magical realism. It's full of passages of intense love and feeling which in the hands of any other writer would have boring, unbelievable and just plain tiresome. But Marquez creates characters who have strange, unbelievable eccentricities which contrary to expectation make them all the more real. He creates parallel worlds and lives effortlessly.His style of writing is really simple, but the simplicity forces us to conjure images and ideas in our heads about the exact meaning of his words. However, this post is not a book report on Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

As I was saying, I'm currently reading Hemingway. I actually wanted to read A Farewell to Arms or For Whom the Bell Tolls earlier, but I found the book at an exhibition for 10 bucks and couldn't resist buying it. (Actually, come to think of it, I have of late been coming across a really large number of cheap books that I've wanted for a long time all over Mumbai. My last purchase was 4 or 5 MAD Magazines I picked up dirt cheap while I was walking from the V.T. McDonald's to Fort).

So, coming back to the point. The book. It's good. I had a million reservations about reading it. I've heard really bad reviews about it. It just drags on and on...It's never ending, yaar. It just has no plot...no story...how the hell can anyone read 109 pages about an old man trying to fish? But it's not really as bad as that. It does have no plot, but that's because the author didn't intend it to. Sample this excerpt:

Then he began to pity the great fish that he had hooked. He is wonderful and strange and who knows how old he is, he thought. Never had I had such a strong fish nor one who acted so strangely. Perhaps he is too wise to jump. He could ruin by jumping or by a wild rush. But perhaps he has been hooked many times before and knows that this is how he should make his fight. He can not know that it is only one man against him, nor that it is an old man. But what a great fish he is and what he will bring in the market if the flesh is good. He took the bait like a male and pulls like a male and his fight has no panic in it. I wonder if he has any plans or if he is just as desperate as I am?

Similarly,

I wonder why he jumped, the old man thought. He jumped almost as though to show me how big he was. I know now, anyway, he thought. I wish I could show him what sort of man I am. But then he would see the cramped hand.Let him think I am more man than I am and I will be so. I wish I was the fish, he thought, with everything he has against only my will and my intelligence.

It's been three days now since the old man has hooked the fish and is being pulled by it into the sea. I still don't know if he finally manages to kill the fish, and he if does kill the fish, if he manages to return home. I can't wait to find out.

The book seems highly allegorical, like in the passages above. I wonder what the sea and the fish and the old man are motifs of? i guess I'll think about these more deeply once I finish reading the book.

Elizabeth Hurley and the Indian Ecology.

2007-04-05T11:21:00.000+05:30

Recently, newspapers and magazines have been flooded with pieces on carbon foot printing.
While India was going ga-ga over the gorgeous Ms. Hurley and her beau Mr. Arun Nayar, environmentalists were shaking their head in disapproval about the ecological excesses committed by Hurley and Co. in India. Green campaigners have slammed Hurley with accusations that her week long wedding in India produced more carbon emissions than the average British couple do in a decade.

Newspaper reports also said it would take an Indian couple 123 years to cause similar ecological damage. Now, much as this sounds like an opportunity to lash out at the couple for being so environmentally irresponsible, they're not the only ones committing such crimes. Much worse things have happened in the past and will probably continue happening in the future.

We need to ask what we can do to reduce our carbon footprint on the earth. It's pretty simple actually.

Firstly, what exactly is a Carbon footprint?
According to http://www.carbonfootprint.com/ ,

A Carbon Footprint is a measure of the impact human activities have on the environment in terms of the amount of green house gases produced, measured in units of carbon dioxide.

The web site is quite comprehensive. You can put in your life style details and they calculate your carbon footprint for you. They then suggest ways to reduce your carbon footprint.

Some of the easiest and most practical measures are:

1. Holidays
Don't go by air

2. Electricity
Sign up to renewable energy

3. Gas
Try using solar water heating - this can reduce your gas bill by up to 70% over a year.

4. Traveling around
Use public transport as much as possible. Find out about your local bus services and then use it.

5. Car Share
Sign up to a car share scheme to reduce your travel footprint

It's as easy as that. We all should try.

Advice for Anyone Wanting an Unforgettable Time at Hostel.

2007-03-28T10:30:00.000+05:30

Some sane advice that will ensure you have a fantastic time with your friends. O f course, you can ignore the advice if you aren't into bonding with friends, having intimate conversations and not into meaningful friendships.

1. Go out everyday. No matter what the rules say, what your daily outing permit is, always try to sneak out. You must explore- your city, your friends, yourself, the boundaries of your friendship, everything. It's a really rewarding experience and it forms fantastic memories. Plus, you'll regret the time you spent sitting indoors watching T.V. or doing some other silly thing when you could have been out bonding with your friends.

2.If you go out but have nothing to do, still go out and do nothing. If you are confined to your hostel, sit around doing nothing with your friends. It's the time together that mare than anything. It makes for irreplaceable and unshakable bonding.

3. Be Broke. It's an experience of a lifetime. And it's an excellent test of friendship. Owe people money and let people owe you money. But if things don't work out, call mom and dad to bail you out.

4.Own a camera. Preferably a digital one because it's cheaper to get prints. A manual one will cost next to nothing to buy, but the film and developing costs a lot which is a big crunch on students. If you have a laptop, nothing like it, but if you don't feel free to use your room mates. (My room mate the adorable Surabhi, has both. Aditi and I take full advantage of it. But that's because we have that kind of a bond and understanding) Take tonnes of photos- of every little thing- every aspect of your life in hostel. From your plate of food to your messy room to the view from your room to a taxi ride you took together to the butt of the cigarettes you smoked.

5. Share. Talk. To everyone. It'll take a lot of meaningful as well as meaningless conversation to find THEM- the people who think like you and love you for exactly who and what you are.(Actually, this should be the first step)

6. Be comfortable with yourself. Don't pretend you are something you are not because you'll be caught in 10 seconds flat by the people you're living with 24/7. Even if they don't see through your mask immediately, they will eventually catch on. And when they do, they'll feel let down, betrayed and deceived. Disaster.

Relationships

2007-03-28T10:16:00.000+05:30

I always thought that if you have to work at a relationship- that you have to make a special effort at keeping it going, then it's just not worth it. What's the point of such a relationship, I would ask? In my mind it is always effortless and completely perfect. But Aditi says that you can't just give up at relationships, if things don't work out; that you have to work at all your relationships- no matter what kind they are. That got me thinking. Maybe there is something to it.
Perhaps there's something seriously wrong with my attitude. Maybe I'm too lazy/weird/idealistic or something. I find that I get very easily discouraged. i need to think about the reasons for this.

The trials and tribulations Penurious Pallavi II

2007-03-26T12:22:00.000+05:30

Well, what do you know? I thought sometime back that circumstances would not let Penurious Pallavi live. She would die because Pallavi would get some money. But my fears were unfounded. Penurious Pallavi continues to be.

I have discoverd new uses of being poor. You no longer need to pay for anything. Your friends pay for you everywhere you go. Till now, I owe Mahima 45 bucks, Surabhi also something like that. Meenakshi, Rs. 25. Simpi 19 bucks and Ritu 15. Not bad. People owe me about a grand. Which I think might lead to the demise of Penurious. Plus Mum's coming to le grand mumbai on the 19th. So, I'll have cash to blow then.

It's funny. This preciously bought half hour on the internet is also being paid for by my loving room mate Surabhi. God bless America and God bless her soul!

The trials and tribulations of Penurious Pallavi

2007-03-16T13:16:00.001+05:30

Time and time again I find my self in an impecunious state. The month is just on the half way mark, I haven't had any major expenditure... how, how and why do I find myself so flatly and completely broke? But this is the truth of my life. Never before have I been so hard up. For heavens sake, I didn't have money to get my phone recharged. But I guess everyone sees these days.
I guess having no money simplifies life. Of course all my immediate needs are already met. I don't really need to buy anything that's immediately necessary to my survival. But on the other hand, if I did have money, I would be faced with a mountain of choices. Suppose if I went to anda pav, I would have to ask my self to eat or not to eat? If I don't want to eat, there's no problem; but should I decide to eat, I have to decide what to eat? Indian or Chinese? If Indian then what? If Chinese then what? Do I want a Pepsi to go with it or should I have tea? But now, since I have no money, No Choices, No Decisions, No Problem, No Worry!!
Guess it pays to be poor.

nothing

2007-03-01T15:18:00.000+05:30

since this is my blog and i get to write anything i want and in any way i want, i'm writing this only so that my blog doesn't get de activated. haha. any one who read this, sorry for wasting your time.

Change

2006-11-20T14:50:00.000+05:30

I feel like I am changing. Change is inevitable, they say and so I am not consciously trying to subvert this change, but I guess this post is some sort of attempt to understand the change and the reason/s for it. Why do people change? And do people actually change or is it just the situations/other people/stimuli around them that change? Do people change or do their attitudes and perceptions change? If I am not the same Pallavi I was, say five months ago; If I am not even the same Pallavi I was five seconds ago, then which Pallavi am I? Who/which is the real Pallavi, if she exists at all? Is the person constant or are changes in the person constant? If it is change, how is it constant? If it is constant, why do we call it change? Change is the only constant they say. If I am changing, and you are changing, then we are both changing. Then the you who is reading this post now, is a different you from the you who read some other posts on this blog in the past. Then we must constantly reacquaint ourselves with all the selves that we are. For all the selves that we were, and perhaps are no more, are also us, aren't they?

2006-11-14T18:28:00.000+05:30

I'm looking for the lyrics of the Paul Simon song: "A cloud gently weeps". This may or may not be the title of the song, but it's a refrain in the song. Its another one of the songs that touches me deeply.

2006-11-12T00:08:00.000+05:30

It feels good to update.

The Paul Simon Series -I

2006-11-12T00:05:00.000+05:30

This is one of the songs that means ( or atleast meant) something to me. There was a time when I felt that this song could easily be the story of my life. Even now, I like the song a lot..very easy listening, but now I feel like laughing at the self indulgent, wallowing- in- your- misery, begging- for- attention kind of lyrics. You just can't live this way- shutting yourself up and closing yourself to any kind of experience. Of course, we all hurt and feel this miserable, but you just have to move on. You can't be depressed, and hate the world, and everyone in it and most of all, hate yourself forever. You have to get over it. And though its a cliche, but it's true that everything changes with time. Nothing remains static. If things around you don't change, then you yourself change. And I believe that every one of us has the capacity to change and change for the good. We all need to believe in ourselves as well as others. Here comes the song:

I am a Rock

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,I am an island.

I have my booksAnd my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;And an island never cries.

I find the song sad and quite pathetic. And I hope and pray that whenever you or anyone else is going through this phase, you get over it.

But it's still a bit funny. I'm sure that if I came across such a person, I'd feel like slapping him or her.

I Love My India

2006-10-30T18:57:00.000+05:30

This was supposed to be a fun filled and light hearted post. But the CD player thought otherwise. No music for poor little me.Hence no SnG. But thank god for world space radios. They play really good music. But here's something else that caught my eye: these statistics are amazing and force us to look outside our coccooned existence. The reality of India. I might be tempted to feel, not the reality of My India, but theres only one India, and theres only one Reality. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, I am living in that exception- the much celebrated India Middle Class, but we can't ignore the larger reality.

Amenities: free supple means no supply

Relative to their incomes, Indians enjoy fewer basic amenities- drinking water, power, cooking fuel- than they own consumer products. Sixty-two percent of families (that is 118 million households) do not get drinking water at home. About five million families- mostly rural- still fetch drinking water from ponds,tanks,rivers and springs.
Urban India does better though, with 65% of all families living in cities having access to drinking water at home. But the Census tracks only the access, not the duration or the quality of water supplied. Independent estimates show that in most cities water supplies to homes doesn't average more than four hours a day. Besides, much of the water supplied isn't potable.
The problems of water supply are the same that afflict most public utilities in India- underpricing and underprovision. Most Indians don't pay according to use.

61 Million (32 %) families draw water from community taps or handpumps.
Over 5 million families still depend on rivers and ponds for drinking water.
32 million households (17%) don't have a source of water near home.
Over 60% families don't get water at home.

Source: India Today, Cover Story, July 28, 2001

Census of India, 2001

Coming Up...

2006-10-06T12:24:00.000+05:30

Just want notify everyone that no new posts will be up till I have some time, money and new ideas. But just to remind myself, my next posts will be a series on Paul Simon songs. I listen to The Paul Simon Song book almost everyday these days. Some of the songs really have meaning for me. I love Simon and Garfunkle.

A Sonnet to Myself (plagarised from the great Shakespeare himself)

2006-09-27T11:01:00.000+05:30

Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Day?

Thou art more lovely and temperate:

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,

And summer's lease hath all to short a date.

Special thanks to divya

The Holy Bible

2006-09-25T10:52:00.000+05:30

The Holy Bible says that if I don't believe in Jesus,
God will forsake me.

If I don't believe in Jesus, And God forsakes me,
What is left in my life?

What's the point of my existence?
What's the point to anything?

Just What is the point?

No Title

2006-09-18T10:56:00.000+05:30

This is a post with no title and no subject. I don't know if it has meaning. I don't know if it is good or bad. Or if it really exists. I don't know if I am writing it or if it existed on it's own in my being. I don't know if I'm creating it or if it is being created through me. I don't know if it knows things and is delibrately hiding them, or if it doesn't know things at all. Or perhaps it doesn't realize and understand what it knows.

What I have learnt living in hostel

2006-09-08T13:16:00.000+05:30

1. It pays to be selfish.

2.There are a lot of dirty people in the world.

3.It's ok to pay others to do your work.

4.The sexiest babe also farts.

5. Don't ever copy others.

6.Your problems may be big, but you're not the only one who has them.

7.Retribution

8.It's ok if you're not everyone's best friend.

9. It's ok to not always be Ms. Nice.

10.There are a lot of creepy, guileless and weird people in the world.

11.It's important to prioritize.

12. Always have your own arrangements for music. If you can not for some reason, make sure your friends do.

13. There are some people who can be genuinely nice for no reason.

14. Always know that there will always be people who will try to take advantage of you.

15. Beware of sweet talkers.

16.Don't ever expect someone to do anything for you simply because you asked them to.

The Definition of Loneliness

2006-08-09T15:33:00.000+05:30

Being lonely is not having someone to talk to. Being lonely is talking to a room full of people and not one of them understanding what you're saying. Being lonely is understanding what everyone is about and no one understanding what you are. Loneliness is when no one reads between the lines- perhaps because they don't can't or perhaps because they don't care enough to. Loneliness is when no one wants to delve deeper or seek more of you; when no one wants to hear what you have to say and no one acknowledges that you even possess a voice. Loneliness is when you batter your head against a wall and no one notices your bloody face. Being lonely is when no one wants to know or hear what you "think". Loneliness is being surrounded by fools who are happy in their ignorance. Loneliness is envying those happy fools.

25th July ' 06

2006-08-02T11:06:00.000+05:30

Why do people who are closest to you, the ones that you care about the most are the ones that hurt you the most? I find that in my life, this is always true. I have tried to convince myself that I don't really care about what they say and think. But I do, and I just can't seem to help it. Everytime there is an incident, I have to reconsole myself that it doesn't really matter, but then I can't stop thinking about it and it ruins my days.
I'm just sick of trying to explain myself. I'm sick of people misinterpreting what I'm trying to say, and I'm sick of telling people that what they think is really wrong - and what I raelly mean. I'm sick of it, but it still hurts that people whom you real;ly care about just don't want to listen to what you have to say. They only ever care about their own voice and their opinions and what they think of YOU, never once caring for the truth. I mean, who the hell do you think I am? Who the hell are you to comment on me and my character? Have you taken a look at yours? Look carefully and you will know who comes out better by far.

How easy it is for the little bubble of happiness to burst.All you need is a little unhappy thought- that is always nagging away at the back of your mind anyway. All you need is an unkind word from someone whom matters. Or a disapproving glance. I think I'm still too young to harden myself against these things. But I want to know how to tell a person who was oncw very important that I don't care about you anymore because you hust me too much. Thats my problem, I can't break off. They are still important and I still care and they still affect my life and my happiness.
I know that I'm complicating my life. I could just not care about anything- nothingh would affect me then, and I'd be happy in the world I carry within Myself. But it doesn't happen that way. At least not for me. I am my own nemesis.

My Window

2006-08-02T11:00:00.000+05:30

The Window in my room
is my door to the World.
I can sit behind it, and
abstract on life
knowing well,
that it keeps it at bay.
And I am protected by it
even though I abstract about
what is outside.

Of Latrines

2006-07-11T17:07:00.000+05:30

Kanshi Ram said in 1993 of India and India's Development:

"We will build neither mandirs nor masjids. Our priority will be to build latrtines."

Yet, there are 24,00,000 places of worship in India.

Literature Class

2006-07-11T17:03:00.000+05:30

Sometimes a vague discussion in a class can make you think. Well, if anyone would care to respond, I would like to know if strength in a woman is divorced from her emotions? Is a strong woman emotinless and a weak woman emotional?

A bout of depression

2006-07-08T11:46:00.000+05:30

I hate birthdays. Especially my own. They really depress me. I know you're suppored to love them and everything about them, and wait for them in anticipation, but I just can't help it. I do wait with bated breath for its arrival and think of all the wonderful things that will happen to me on my birthday, but when the day finally comes I HATE IT! I'm sorry mummy and papa and everyone at home that I feel this way, but I just do. And I am sick of pretending to be happy when you get me a wonderful cake that I would have loved at any other time and when you give your kind but thoughtless gifts all I want to do is Cry in little pathetic whimpers of agony. Agony that I dont understand but which is very real, and I which I feel every excrutiating moment of, anyway.

All you who sleep tonight

2006-06-26T17:04:00.001+05:30

This is a fantabulous Vikram Seth poem.He's brilliant, by the way.

All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or rightAnd emptiness above-

Know that you aren't alone
The whole world shares your tears,
Some for two nights or one,
And some for all their years.

Twenty second June, 2006

2006-06-26T16:36:00.001+05:30

It finally rained.
After a long, long, long wait.
It rained long and hard.
The oppressive afternoons and the long, stretched out evenings,and
the colourful skies had been announcing monsoon for a long time.
But when it finally happened, it wasn't a moment too soon.

I especially love rain when it's accompanied by lots of thunder and lightning. It just seems so alive. And at times the lightning is so magnificent, it turns the night into day for a few brilliant moments. I feel connected to some primitive force of Nature at such times.

Rain in Mumbai is very different from rain in my home town. When it rains in Jaipur, it's almost like a celebration. It's a celebration of nature. Jaipur is settled in a valley, surrounded by pre-historic hills covered by desert vegetation. It takes just one intense spell of rainfall to turn the barren hills into a lovely and fragrant green forest teeming with life. Now that I think, is a true miracle of nature. Talking about fragrance, you can't smell the rain in Mumbai. In Jaipur, one can almost smell the earth begging the sky to quench her everlasting thirst. And when it finally rains, My God! The smell of the first few drops on the hot, dry earth. The smell is so sweet and melancholy it can bring tears to your eyes.

Priorities and Confusion

2006-06-26T16:25:00.000+05:30

I wonder sometimes, if 10 years down the line, If I come across this post or a diary entry of mine, and read it, will I even remember the people whom I feel so passionately about now as though they were the centre of my existence? It doesn't seem too probable. How many things that bother me to no end, which keep me het up and frustated to days at end, will eventually really matter in my life? What am I doing now, or what should I/shouldn't I be doing that will eventually matter in my life? How much of the things that really matter in my life are really in my hands? What does one mean whan they say that something is in their hands or not?

I, Me, Myself

2006-06-19T16:18:00.000+05:30

A lot of people tell me that I am an extremely judgemental person and that I should change my world view. I agree. I am judgemental, and am often found lacking in discretion when passing comments about someone. But I do think that I have the prerogative to like or dislike anyone I please. And surely, I have the liberty of surrounding myself with people who are like me, who think and speak like me; who have similar tastes and who appreciate the same things that I do. I guess my sin is that I am too vocal about my displeasure(Subject ofcourse, to speaking out being considered a sin; which however, I am often assured is quite a positive quality). Why is holding radical views so controversial? I do hold strong opinions, whether they be based on a strong, logical foundation or are baseless and coloured is not of import. They are my views, and I hold them nevertheless. I never try to colour my audiences judgement or perspective; if this is found happening, it shows a lack of conviction and analytical faculties in the other party.I guess a balance can be reached if we are ready to change someone's image in our minds and hearts if our impression of them is proven wrong.

T.S. Eliot

2006-06-16T17:39:00.000+05:30

"I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope.
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; and wait without love,
for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith.
But the faith, and the hope, and the love are all in the waiting.
And so the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness, the dancing."

~TS Eliot~

Length of a post

2006-06-16T16:36:00.000+05:30

Have you noticed, the length of a post is inversely proportional to its readability?

Tulips by Sylvia Plath

2006-04-26T14:05:00.000+05:30

The tulips are too excitable, it is winter here.
Look how white everything is, how quiet, how snowed-in.
I am learning peacefulness, lying by myself quietly
As the light lies on these white walls, this bed, these hands.
I am nobody; I have nothing to do with explosions.
I have given my name and my day-clothes up to the nurses
And my history to the anesthetist and my body to surgeons.

They have propped my head between the pillow and the sheet-cuff
Like an eye between two white lids that will not shut.
Stupid pupil, it has to take everything in.
The nurses pass and pass, they are no trouble,
They pass the way gulls pass inland in their white caps,
Doing things with their hands, one just the same as another,
So it is impossible to tell how many there are.

My body is a pebble to them, they tend it as water
Tends to the pebbles it must run over, smoothing them gently.
They bring me numbness in their bright needles, they bring me sleep
Now I have lost myself I am sick of baggage
My patent leather overnight case like a black pillbox,
My husband and child smiling out of the family photo;
Their smiles catch onto my skin, little smiling hooks.

I have let things slip, a thirty-year~old cargo boat
Stubbornly hanging on to my name and address.
They have swabbed me clear of my loving associations.
Scared and bare on the green plastic-pillowed trolley
I watched my teaset, my bureaus of linen, my books
Sink out of sight, and the water went over my head.
I am a nun now, I have never been so pure.

I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted
To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.
How free it is, you have no idea how free -
The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,
And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.
It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them
Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.

The tulips are too red in the first place, they hurt me.
Even through the gift paper I could hear them breathe
Lightly, through their white swaddlings, like an awful baby.
Their redness talks to my wound, it corresponds.
They are subtle: they seem to float, though they weigh me down
Upsetting me with their sudden tongues and their color,
A dozen red lead sinkers round my neck.

Nobody watched me before, now I am watched.
The tulips turn to me, and the window behind me
Where once a day the light slowly widens and slowly thins,
And I see myself, flat, ridiculous, a cut-paper shadow
Between the eye of the sun and the eyes of the tulips,
And I have no face,
I have wanted to efface myself
The vivid tulips eat my oxygen.

Before they came the air was calm enough,
Coming and going, breath by breath, without any fuss.
Then the tulips filled it up like a loud noise.
Now the air snags and eddies round them the way a river
Snags and eddies round a sunken rust-red engine.
They concentrate my attention, that was happy
Playing and resting without committing itself.

The walls, also, seem to be warming themselves.
The tulips should be behind bars like dangerous animals;
They are opening like the mouth of some great
African cat,And I am aware of my heart: it opens and closes
Its bowl of red blooms out of sheer love of me.
The water I taste is warm and salt, like the sea,
And comes from a country far away as health.

This poem gives me the creeps.It's a rare poem that employs such vivid imagery. The woman in the poem has to be Plath herself.It's too personal not to be her.

Just an observation

2006-04-20T15:49:00.000+05:30

Today I read in the paper that most of our characteristics, as in our habits, choices, likes and dislikes are infact inherited from our parents. Does this mean that our individual quirks, since even they are inherited (and therefore not really individual) are not what defines us? Then what makes us who we are?

Are you a Secularist?

2006-04-20T15:44:00.000+05:30

This is a mail i received some time back. It’s really offensive. At least to me. So be forewarned.
Do read my reply at the end.

PLEASE READ PATIENTLY, VERY GOOD INFO
please forward it, to as many - Indians as possible Please read this entire article, before you delete it.
Are you a Secularist? Then please answer these questions,

1. There are nearly 52 Muslim countries. Show one Muslim country, which provides Haj subsidy.

2. Show one Muslim country where Hindus are extended the special rights that Muslims are accorded in India?

3. Show one Muslim country, which has a Non-Muslim as its President or Prime Minister.

4. Show one country where the 85% majority craves for the indulgence of the 15% minority.

5. Show one Mullah or Maulvi who has declared a 'fatwa' against terrorists.

6. Hindu-majority Maharashtra, Bihar, Kerala, Pondicherry, etc. have in the past elected Muslims as CMs; Can you ever imagine a Hindu becoming the CM of Muslim - majority J&K?

7. Today Hindus are 85%. If Hindus are intolerant, how come Masjids and Madrassas are thriving? How come Muslims are offering Namaz on the road? How come Muslims are proclaiming 5 times a day on loudspeakers that there is no God except Allah?

8. When Hindus gave to Muslims 30% of Bharat for a song, why should Hindus now beg for their sacred places at Ayodhya, Mathura and Kashi?

9. Why temple funds are spent for the welfare of Muslims and Christians, when they are free to spend their money in any way they like?

10. When uniform is made compulsory for school children, why there is no Uniform Civil Code for citizens?

11. In what way, J&K is different from Maharashtra, Tamil Nadu or Uttar Pradesh, to have article 370?

12. Why Gandhiji supported Khilafat Movement (nothing to do with our freedom movement) and what in turn he got?

13. Why Gandhiji objected to the decision of the cabinet and insisted that Somnath Temple should be reconstructed out of public fund, not government funds. When in January 1948 he presurrised Nehru and Patel to carry on renovation of the mosques of Delhi at government expenses?

14. If Muslims & Christians are minorities in Maharashtra, UP, Bihar etc., are Hindus not minorities in J&K, Mizoram, Nagaland, Arunachal Pradesh, Meghalaya etc? Why are Hindus denied minority rights in these states?

15. Do you admit that Hindus do have problems that need to be recognized? Or do you think that those who call themselves Hindus are themselves the problem?

16. Why post-Godhra is blown out of proportion, when no one talks of the ethnic cleansing of 4 lakh Hindus from Kashmir?

17. In 1947, when India was partitioned, the Hindu population in pakistan was about 24%. Today it is not even 1%. In 1947, the Hindu population in East Pakistan (now Bangladesh) was 30%. Today it is about 7%. What happened to the missing Hindus? Do Hindus have human rights?

18. In contrast, in India, Muslim population has gone up from 10.4% in 1951 to about 14% today; whereas Hindu population has come down from 87.2% in 1951 to 85% in 1991. Do you still think that Hindus are fundamentalists?

19. Do you consider that - Sanskrit is communal and Urdu is secular, Mandir is Communal and Masjid is Secular, Sadhu is Communal and Imam is Secular, BJP is communal and Muslim league is Secular, Dr. Praveen Bhai Togadia is ANTI-NATIONAL and Bhukari is Secular, Vande Matharam is communal and Allah-O-Akbar is secular, Shriman is communal and Mian is secular, Hinduism is Communal and Islam is Secular, Hindutva is communal and Jihadism is secular, and at last, Bharat is communal and Italy is Secular?

20. When Christian and Muslim schools can teach Bible and Quran, Why Hindus cannot teach Gita or Ramayan?

21. Abdul Rehman Antuley was made a trustee of the famous Siddhi Vinayak Temple in Prabhadevi, Mumbai Can a Hindu - say Mulayam or Laloo - ever become a trustee of a Masjid or Madrassa?

22. Dr. Praveenbhai Togadia has been arrested many times on flimsy grounds. has the Shahi Imam of Jama Masjid, Delhi, Ahmed Bhukari been arrested for claiming to be an ISI agent and advocating partition of Bharat?

23. When Haj pilgrims are given subsidy, why Hindu pilgrims to Amarnath, Sabarimalai & Kailash Mansarovar are taxed?

A Muslim President, A Hindu Prime Minister and a Christian Defence Minister running the affairs of the nation with a unity of purpose.

Can this happen anywhere, except in a HINDU NATION - BHARAT?

Later on please forward it to as many Hindus - Indians as possible

Vandhe Matharam
Vishva Hindu Parishad, Sankat Mochan Ashram, Sector-6, Ramakrishna Puram, New Delhi-110 022, Bharat (India)Fax: 00-91-11-26195527, 26178992, Ph:00-91-11-26161369, 26103495, 26178992

Kindly visit the following websites: -www.vhp.org, www.ayodhya.com, www.ekalvidyalay.org, www.ekalvidya.org, www.hindunet.com, www.hindulinks.org, www.vhp-america.org

I really hope that you guys have read this article. do you agree with what the VHP(the people who send the article) says? trust me, it made makes my blood boil. i am sorry , but i think the article is utter nonsense. It's not only absolutely ridiculous, but really preposterous. I am offended. I think I am Secular. And I dont think what the article is trying to advocate is by any means secular - it's highly separatist infact. As long as we Indians think of anyone as Us vs. Them, India will never be a truly Secular state. I agree that there is no other place like India, (Bharat mata ki Jai!!) but this article is absolutely astounding in its audacity. Just think logically about What Exactly is being said in the questions. I mean it's really ironic they are trying to pull off this pathetic attempt at Hindu propaganda under the heading of SECULAR. Hey, I'm a Hindu, a Brahmin and proud of it, but i think Togadia should be hung till not a breath of life is left in his treacharous body.
I may have offended people with this open disagreement, but, hey, what the hell, last time I checked, India was still a Secular Democracy.

Iqbal

2006-04-15T12:51:00.000+05:30

I found this little gem in one of Khushwant Singh's books. I think it was his autobiography Truth, Love and a little Malice.
Here goes-
The great poet Iqbal says:

Dhoonta phirta hoon main, ae Iqbal apne aap ko
Aap hi goya musafir, aap hi manzil hoon main.

The Dog Land

2006-04-15T12:22:00.000+05:30

I am quite patriotic. I feel for my country and want to be a part of it's progress. I believe our country can progress and eventually be "great". But, after seeing today's news on t.v., I am sad to announce that India has gone to the dogs. What business do the B.J.P. and the Congress or the Shivsena or RSS/VHP or any other organization have with who does or doesn't support the Narmada Bachao Aandolan? Did anyone see the way people were brandishing the posters of Rang de Basanti with there chappals and jootas? Is our country only fool of ignorant heathens who are protesting against the NBA started by "Mehra" Patkar ( yes, some guy from Vadodara actually called Medha that!). Is this our nation's understanding of a problem that will make hundreds of thousands of poor farmers and tribals homeless, destroy the ecology of the region, lead to the extinction of thousands of species of flora and fauna (some of which may be still undiscovered- may be the cure for AIDS or cancer was in there?), and submerge miles upon miles of cultivable land? The real issue isn't Aamir Khan supporting the NBA. For Heaven's sake it isn't. It's our nations total lack of understanding of the problems that plague it. Almost half the country is uneducated. What the hell do they care if some celebrity joined some revolution? (They only care about their daily bread). I'm educated. I don't care. But I do care about the future of my country.

Random Ramblings

2006-03-21T17:55:00.001+05:30

I created a blog for myself and now I feel an inescapable need to write something "worthy" of putting up here. It's the pressure of proving yourself. What you put up here is YOU. And you're scared of putting yourself up here because you might find out you're just not good enough.
Life is complicated in strange ways. You try avoiding hurt,weakness,dependency and vulnerability by not wearing your heart on your sleeve and you end up being an A-class cynic and your self proclaimed friends are a bunch of opportunists who will ditch you at the first sign of trouble (or when they realize they can not use you anymore). You'll be sad and miserable and lonely, but atleast you'll be safe. You'll see the world pretty clearly and learn to stand tall by yourself, but it'll sure be bleak and cold out there.
Alternately, if you do end up being soft and loving and trusting, you have very high chances of having your heart broken, your morale , your sense of identity and your belief in yourself shattered. But equally dangerous to self preservation is finding someone who appreciates and respects you and never takes you for granted. You find comfort and solace and very importantly, companionship.But, along with all of these, you also get a tremendous sense of insecurity.What if it doesn't work out? What if I do something wrong?(that pisses the other person off and they stop talking to you?)
You are forever plagued by the temporariness and vagueness of love and friendship.You reveal yourself - at the risk of rejection, in a bid to garner intimacy and as a ploy to buy time.But you don't want to reveal too much.What if you are misunderstood or not understood at all? What if the other person is offended? Since you don't aim to offend, you curb your style, change your life and lifestyle to suit the other. You become a hypocrite.You bend over backwards for those few precious moments of camaraderie.
At the bottom lies the inescapable and inevitable and very human fear of ending up alone. And the very point of friendship is lost somewhere in the quagmire of our own fears.

Random Ramblings

2006-03-21T17:55:00.000+05:30

I created a blog for myself and now i feel an inescapable need to write something "worthy" of putting up here. It's the pressure of proving yourself. what you put up here is YOU. And you're scared of putting yourself up here because you might find out you're just not good enough.

why i need a blog

2006-03-09T13:02:00.001+05:30

I heard about blogging some time back and was fascinated. The idea that something that you create will be online for a long, long time and available foe someone to read, that you can reach out and communicate to humanity in this new and wonderous way has a lot of appeal to me. Of course, the fact also is that I would like to be heard and read and appreciated. It's a common affliction of people, this need. For many, it may be just attention seeking, for me, it's a creaton of space and I have a sneaking suspicion that it might be a catharsis of sorts.