tirade

My life has become incresingly frustating. I don't enjoy what I'm doing. No matter how much I try to delude myself that I'm adjusting and I'm learning, the truth of the matter is I hate Pearl Academy of Fashion. I hate everything about it from the faculty to the students to the approach of the whole institute. This sememter in particular has been shit. And from what I hear from the seniors, the future will be worse. I guess I've been able to cope till now through sheer luck and partly because it wasn't as tough as it is getting to be now. I don't think I can handle so much at one go. And especially when I'm not really interested. I love design. I love it when it's an abstract notion of forms and shapes and when we can talk of design as a fundamental reality of life. But whe it comes down to such a basic and low form as design in fashion, it loses every single ounce of its appeal for me. I've always thought fashion was pretty superficial, but stuff like forecasting and trend spotting is interesting. Its pretty intense. But pattern making and especially garment construction just kill me. And at this stage, people's negativity and perhaps even my own negativity is really hampering any knid of progress I might otherwise be making.

I guess I'm actually frustated because I'm quite lost in life. Nothing ever works according to my plans. Therefore I've stopped planning. But that doesn't stop the mind and the heart from wanting. And hoping. So what does one do then? My strategy till now has been placid acceptance. For most of my life I've been a placid acceptor and this is mostly because nothing else works. Maybe I haven't tried another approach...perhaps I'm not built that way. Other people I know get their way...they have their own strategies. But I find them manipulative, conniving and demeaning. But they seem to work.

Am in a really escapist mood. Want to run away. But don't know from what.thats the root cause. my life isnt figured out. i dont know how to figure it out. and even if i do figure it out, i dont have the balls to stand up for myself.for what i want. i think ive convinced myself that nothing will work out. or that my life is worth much.

or maybe im just sleep deprived and cranky. but ive had this nasty uneasyness in my head for quite some time now. im very dissatisfied. things are going as unexpected. its partly because of college too. ive never been part of such an infamous or irresponsible lot. ive really tried to improve my outlook and attitude. but it hasnt changed the reality. im not meant for this and this is not meant for me.dont have anything to look forward to in life. no enthusiasm.