New End of Year Resolutions

It's been a long time. I think the longest ever break I took from blogging. But some nasty person who tried spamming me put me into action again. Plus I'm in touch with Scott again. I have very fond memories of Scott because his blog was one of the first I had visited when I'd just created my own. So, he too has set the creative process flowing.

Life moves forward everyday and at every instant. Most of the time this fact surprises me. Generally when I become aware of this fact, I try to better life and circumstances by doing things I don't actually have time for. Like calling a friend. Or reading a book. Or blogging. Funny how life encroaches upon time. I am very resolute that I don't want to be one of those people who lost out on their friends because they were busy with life and "stuff". And I don't want to be the friend everyone lost touch with. And I don't want to be the person who always had a sour disposition and regrets in life because she never got to the stuff she really wanted to because she didn't have time. I'm resolute that I have to make time no matter what.

I also don't want to be the person who wastes her time in stupid disappointments. But life has moved on now. And I don't want to be left behind. A relic from the past. But making the best of what you have, making a new beginning is not easy. It takes so much courage. So much that you don't know if you really have it in you. And you even make excuses. I said to myself, over and over again- This is not what I wanted for myself. This is not what I wanted to do with my life and for the rest of my life. And then the realization that you just need to accept it and move on takes guts. And then opening yourself to new ideas and especially to new people is what really kills you. You don't want to be vulnerable again. You want to go back to your old familiars. People you were safe with. But that's not gonna happen. Or maybe it will...in an ideal world.

These are all things I have talked to people in my life about at different times. Mahima, Aditi, Chamki, Surru, Scott. You have all given me lessons in life that I have begun to understand only know. I just want to thank you for caring enough to share pieces of you with me.

I don't want there to be a blank in the archives for the month of May. I've tried writing something a few times this past month, but I never got down to it. I feel dull and uninspired. I could blame it on the heat, but it isn't the heat. Just like Frost conteplating the destruction of his wall on elves..I could say elves to him...It's been quite surprisingly pleasant this year(it's been 42 degrees Celsius instead of the usual 47). iIguess it's the lack of stimulating company. It's not like I've stopped thinking about stuff or that things have stopped affecting me, I think I'm still reeling under the shock of being in that unsteady, unbalanced phase of life again. Everything is undecided and unsure. You know, like Auden said: the best lack all conviction..I think somewhere he also says we must love one another or die... although what that has to do with anything, I cannot say. Higher and higher in the widening gyre/the falcon cannot hear the fanconer/Things fall apart; the center cannot hold/ Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world...I don't know why all this poetry is suddenly spouting forth. Maybe it's because it's representative of a time when my life was surer,with more certainity. I knew my place in the world, in the scheme of things, unlike now.