The Primal Debt

Two books that I'm reading at moment have completely churned my mind out of its inertia. The first is "Aghora At the Left Hand of God" by Robert E. Svoboda and the second is "Shiva to Shankara" by Dr. Devdutt Pattanaik.

The philosophy of the world discussed in the books, especially the latter is so profound and so plausible that my brain is still reeling from it.

In the first book, I'm reading a chapter called "Rnanubandhana" or the obligation/bondage (anubandhana) of debt (rna). The debt talked about at length here is the debt of karma that we carry over from all our previous births as well as that debt that we accumulate by our actions in this life.

I quote from the book "For example, if I steal something from you in this lifetime the opportunity for me to steal from you can arise only if a debt exists between you and me; only if you owe me something....And if I steal from you, instead of receiving from as a gift the thing I want, of your own free will, it is highly likely that you must have stolen from me in the past. Your past action creates a like attitude in me.

My theft from you is not karma: it becomes karma only when I identify myself with the act of stealing. As long as I do not self identify with the act of stealing. it is no karma for me...It is only a past rna working its way out.

The difficulty is that the ego not only self-identifies with the body, it also self-identifies with all the actions performed by the body.The ego tries to protect itself by preventig the repaying of karmic debts which have fallen due. Thus, new karmas are created."

This is such a beautiful and hopeful philosophy. i find that it has freed me from so many expectations from myself as well as from other people. More on this is my next post....

Reaching Equilibrium

Just heard some where there each and everyone of us has to go through the suffering that has been destined for us. If this doesn't happen, we don't get the ultimate salvation- Mukti or Moksh. If we look at it from a more basic view, going through the suffering eases a bit of the load- some of the burden that we carry; both in this life and what we have carried over from all our previous lives. Till we reach a zero balance. Reach the point of perfect balance or harmony- the Equilibrium that all creation strives to.

Every one of us has our own brand of things that are our own personal hell- for someone it could be the fear of humiliation at the hands of others, or being ignored or disrespected, or even finding yourself all alone... It could be physical or mental, and I'm sure that it must vary in degrees for everyone. I might think that I'm going through the very worst a human can endure, but that's because I'm going through a personal suffering- that can't be shared and divided and consequently perhaps lessened. The point is we need to accept the bitterness in our life so that we see it for what it is- our own doing (whether from the actions of this life or the previous) and only then can we get past it. I don't know about any one else who might read this- but this theory made me feel a bit better about my life and my future. I'm learning to focus on the bright and beautiful new day ahead, and not the dark, lonely night that lies behind me.

sunshine on my shoulders

Sitting on the verandah, with the sun warming my back and my insides. Drinking a cup of green tea. My sweet Phoebe for company. Its idyllic, but I'm a little afraid to be alone with my thoughts. They lead to the same person and the same situation in a very irritating recurrent manner. I have admitted my feelings and thoughts to myself and to God, and no one else. I miss that refrain that was taught to me at college... I think it was "I cast my burden upon God and walk free"... It had really helped me out then, and it helped me sleep last night after a week of sleeplessness.

But that burden of thought has found its way back into my mind where its repeating itself like a bad tune. I'm becoming a bit too self involved and a tad obsessive. All this in the space of but three days. This has to be the longest week of my life. And its only wednesday! Please God, if there's something better up ahead for me, let me see it now, before I go out of my mind with the waiting and disappointment- if thers going to be any...





Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a day that I could give you
I'd give to you the day just like today
If I had a song that I could sing for you
I'd sing a song to make you feel this way

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a tale that I could tell you
I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile
If I had a wish that I could wish for you
I'd make a wish for sunshine for all the while

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost all the time makes me high

An year's journey

Its been about a year now that I haven't unburdened here. That was a sad, pathetic decision... I might have a fewer white hair on my head if I had!! Actually I can't really blame myself, it didn't happen consciously. My life stopped revolving around myself and my thoughts, and a lot more on the peripherals. I seem to have become the very thing I have always abhorred- a creature who lives for the superficial; no great thought or emotion are evoked from it... Always there is an all pervading sense of age, neglect and raggedness about it. My mind seems to have lost itself in some murky water, and doubts its ability to ever find a clean shore- or even that it will one day surface and come to a new day.

The lack of anything new is just so tiring... The sheer LACK... I feel really tired all the time. It tires me to write any of this out. My mind has forgotten these intellectual exercises. I don't know if I actually "feel" exhausted or if my mind has shut itself off to shield my consciousness from the hollowness of my existence. So this is how it feels to live on autopilot.

For some reason, when I'm writing, thoughts never appear cogent and clear. I have to make an effort to understand what I want to tell myself. And most of the time I forget what I'm saying or reach a conclusion completely at a tangent from where I had started out.