The Primal Debt- II

As I was saying in the previous post, my mind and my heart has certainly benefited from reading this. I no longer feel obliged to hate people who have wronged me. I mean what can someone take from me that I didn't owe them in the first place? Along with this is also gone any resentment that I used to harbour for the things that others have and which had been denied to me. A deep sense of peace settled in me once I realized that no one can give me more than I deserve and no one can take away what is rightfully mine.

All the suffering that I've had to go through is a result of my own actions- whether in this life or the previous ones. I don't blame anyone. I'm happy that the suffering happened and those whom I had wronged in the past have had a chance to settle their debts with me, so that I'm now free of the karmic debt.

I always wondered why are some people able to make me do certain things for them? Why did I not say no- for doing something nearly impossible? Or that why some complete strangers have gone beyond the call of duty to help me out. But I understand now. Its because we were all connected somehow.

I quote from Aghora: "Suppose I know I have a rnanubandhana with you.If I am wise, I will ensure that the debt is paid off; it will mean one less bondage to the world and will bring me closer to my goal of self- realization. People enjoy being repaid but usually balk when it comes to paying out. the result is karma.

In my case, I am very anxious to finish off my cycle of births and deaths so I allow every person who has any rnanubandhana with me to take from me whatever they are entitled to. Whether they are entitled to make my life miserable, or to make me poor, or whatever, I don't mind. Let them do it; they cannot take from me any more than the value of the debt I owe them. The moment I object in any way, even mentally, then karma has begun."

The Primal Debt

Two books that I'm reading at moment have completely churned my mind out of its inertia. The first is "Aghora At the Left Hand of God" by Robert E. Svoboda and the second is "Shiva to Shankara" by Dr. Devdutt Pattanaik.

The philosophy of the world discussed in the books, especially the latter is so profound and so plausible that my brain is still reeling from it.

In the first book, I'm reading a chapter called "Rnanubandhana" or the obligation/bondage (anubandhana) of debt (rna). The debt talked about at length here is the debt of karma that we carry over from all our previous births as well as that debt that we accumulate by our actions in this life.

I quote from the book "For example, if I steal something from you in this lifetime the opportunity for me to steal from you can arise only if a debt exists between you and me; only if you owe me something....And if I steal from you, instead of receiving from as a gift the thing I want, of your own free will, it is highly likely that you must have stolen from me in the past. Your past action creates a like attitude in me.

My theft from you is not karma: it becomes karma only when I identify myself with the act of stealing. As long as I do not self identify with the act of stealing. it is no karma for me...It is only a past rna working its way out.

The difficulty is that the ego not only self-identifies with the body, it also self-identifies with all the actions performed by the body.The ego tries to protect itself by preventig the repaying of karmic debts which have fallen due. Thus, new karmas are created."

This is such a beautiful and hopeful philosophy. i find that it has freed me from so many expectations from myself as well as from other people. More on this is my next post....

Reaching Equilibrium

Just heard some where there each and everyone of us has to go through the suffering that has been destined for us. If this doesn't happen, we don't get the ultimate salvation- Mukti or Moksh. If we look at it from a more basic view, going through the suffering eases a bit of the load- some of the burden that we carry; both in this life and what we have carried over from all our previous lives. Till we reach a zero balance. Reach the point of perfect balance or harmony- the Equilibrium that all creation strives to.

Every one of us has our own brand of things that are our own personal hell- for someone it could be the fear of humiliation at the hands of others, or being ignored or disrespected, or even finding yourself all alone... It could be physical or mental, and I'm sure that it must vary in degrees for everyone. I might think that I'm going through the very worst a human can endure, but that's because I'm going through a personal suffering- that can't be shared and divided and consequently perhaps lessened. The point is we need to accept the bitterness in our life so that we see it for what it is- our own doing (whether from the actions of this life or the previous) and only then can we get past it. I don't know about any one else who might read this- but this theory made me feel a bit better about my life and my future. I'm learning to focus on the bright and beautiful new day ahead, and not the dark, lonely night that lies behind me.

I read my blog today and realised I've only got two posts this entire year. What the hell does this say about me? I've realized that no matter how much I try not to lose out on what I thought my essence was, the loss seems inevitable. I havent read the kind of books I used to read. I tried reading the poetry, but it's not been easy. I've tried keeping in touch with friends, but it's been hard again. And expensive. And it takes effort and determination. And it's not been as often as I had intended to. Am I losing my essence? Everything I held dear and wanted to hold on to?

It makes me think, what exactly is the essence of a person. Surely, when you envision your future, you don't take into account all the trials of life you will face, which will change you and perhaps give you a whole new perception of what essence is. maybe the way circumstances have changed me has revealed newer, hitherto hidden aspects of myself to me. maybe they were always there, but needed the right moments to reveal themselves. So, was the original me the actual essence of me, or is the newer me the real me? or are they both me? I think it's the latter. but i don't want the old me to pass into insignificance. the new must give space to the old. it's as relevant. perhaps more relevant, because it gives a point of reference to the present.